My Dear Grandmother

While reading my mothers blog, I feel as though for a moment that I have gone back in time. Who says time travel isn't possible? As I settle in to read her latest entry I find myself in deep thought, thoughts of getting my grandmother out of the nursing home and back to the home my grandfather bought for her. Well, he bought it for them to spend the remainder of there days in. My mother writes about this difficult journey with such heartfelt emotion. It appears that much is required by many organizations to be able to facilitate an elder going back home in order to make sure they have the money and care available to sustain a decent living. My mother has taken this obligation upon herself in a tribute to my grandfather as well as her mother, my grandma. I see God within my mother as she has pursued this daunting task. It has thus far not been an easy road by any means. I know it is the light of all that is good guiding her.

I am not a church goer per se, nor an avid bible reader. However, I do know there is a higher power at work in this universe. Call it God, Allah, Jesus, The Holy Spirit. Whatever speaks to your heart. For me it is a pure energy of all that is! I have experienced its all magnificent presence at numerous points in my life. One pertaining to this writing was the very night my grandfather departed this world. I can see it as it was yesterday. The whole family at the VA Hospital supporting, crying and loving eachother. It was the day he would be taken off the ventilator to return to his true home. It was a cold and rainy night on that day. Half of the family was upstairs in a guest room while the other half was in ICU surrounding my grandfather holding hands as they turned off the machine. I heard a loud rumble. It was SUCH a powerful bolt of lightning that seemed to strike the minute we got the call that he was gone. In my heart I believe there are no coincidences. I interpreted that as the heavens opening up to take my beloved grandfather home.

This evening as I read the post my heart ached. I was reading of how my grandmother has stopped eating and it is of grave concern to all who love her. She mentioned to my mother that she is of no use to anyone anymore and is ready to go be with my grandpa. Her desire to eat or even live is gone. She is nearing the time when she might have to be feed via IV. Upon reading this my mind was coursing as I remembered a time not so long ago. I was around 11 or 12. I too had stopped eating. The smell of food made me nauseated. I remember stating I wished that I lived on battery power. It would take every to just eat a few bites of anything. Looking back it was my anxiety and depression that feed that cycle. I can't help but know exactly what it is like to not have the desire to eat. I have filled those shoes. Yet I feel helpless to aid my grandmother. Often times she is too shy to really talk to. She tends to forget things and she prefers to talk in her native language that being Spanish which I do not know. I love her dearly and it hurts me to know she is in this predicament.

I did not have the pleasure of getting to know my grandparents as well as some of my cousins did. Our time together was condensed into one summer in which I stayed with them during the day. I was suffering with anxiety and depression and they watched over me while my mother was at work. My grandfather would make sure I ate! He would make burritos for me. That seemed to be the only thing I ever wanted. He would tell me stories and sit with me as I ate as to distract me a bit with his company. They took me to church a few times. We would sit at the table and pray together and just talk. I feel as that time was a gift to me. It was years of quality time condensed into a summer where every moment of time was gold.

I can end this post by saying once again there are no coincedences in life. I know the all incompasing power of God will guide my grandmother my mom and this family to what is meant to be. I have faith and courage in this. I leave my heart open for Gods light to direct. I find peace and comfort knowing that the laws of the Universe will be done. I am no fool to think I know what is the best. I relinquish control and let go knowing this power has made all that is and will be here long after my physical body has turned to dust.