Reminiscing

It seems every once in awhile I seem to get in a deep reflective mood. I haven't written much in awhile. Honestly, so much has gone on in my life I really haven't taken the time. Now that my anxiety seems to be in control. I am able to pretty much do anything I wish. I think to myself how many times I would desperately try the most mundane of day to day things and would end up coming home and crying and wishing so bad to be apart of the world I saw going on around me. Just last night I went to a restaurant I had never been before. Had I even attempted in the past I am almost certain I would have been unable to be comfortable. The noise would set in motion the palpitations and then the dizziness and the feeling like I was just going to pass out. I found myself sitting in this restaurant in amazement at how far I really have come. I realized that all those times I spent alone and afraid trying to maintain a sense of hope. I knew in my heart I would overcome. I knew I had the strength within.

I think however there was one thing I never thought about once I got to this point. As the world went on around me my growth stoped in some areas as it advanced in others. My sense of self was so tied up in anxiety that now I am not sure what my identity is. I still feel in many ways like the 12 year old girl I once was. My dreams aren't really certain as I was really never able to make them so. How was it possible for me to really focus on dreams when I was just trying to be independent and live this life. I am proud of myself though for attempting at all. I think what I find is that the human spirit is a hard one to knock down.

I have accomplished much despite my obstacles. I have become a very talented florist for one. I get to do what I love for a living, how many people can say that? I have had the pleasure of co owning a business and learning all the ins and outs of being in business. I have gained several real estate properties and have learned how to view money in a whole different way. Through this process I have also gained much in love. I have several nieces and nephews who just melt my heart. I have volunteered and that is one of the most rewarding experiences. I have volunteered in the hospital while growing up. I must say however that my volunteering at hospice was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life. The selfless giving of yourself and your time to another human being whom you don't even know is an amazing thing to experience. While at hospice I had the honor of being in a room when a woman peacefully passed to the next life. I stood by her bed with the family members and then helped the nurse prepare her for her family to say one last goodbye. I say honor because to witness such an act is humbling to me.

These days I find myself unafraid of my emotions. I find myself unafraid of loving if I feel compelled to do so. I heard a song the other day called "love is my religion" It spoke to me because it is indeed mine. In this great big world full of craziness and illusion I feel the only true things are love and knowledge. They are what I believe to be the only things you take with you from this life to the next. So I will be unafraid to love with all that I have. Though acceptance is part of human nature it is not essential to love even the unlovable. Perfection is not what I am looking for but love in its purest form without judgement and expectation. That is my ultimate goal.