It is what it is

Today upon logging into Facebook I read "It is what it is! If you can't change it then let it go and move on. There's always something much better waiting for you. Now how can that not get you to thinking?!

There have been numerous times in my life where in fact that was the case. One of my most heartfelt moments was on a night I felt so alone. I had just moved into my condo and had recently got my dream job. I unfortunately also started experiencing some extreme anxiety. I think I must have been around 21 or so. It hadn't been long after I celebrated my 21st birthday in Las Vegas. What a blast that was! I seemed to be doing great I had everything I wanted and was on the path that I had longed to be. One night upon arriving home from a movie late in the evening. I had one of the worst panic episodes ever. I did what I had been taught to do. I tried to meditate and focus on my breathing. As tears flowed down my face and fear set in deeper and deeper. I realized this monster was not letting me go on this night. I eventually called my mother crying and she hurried over as well as my aunt. I will say in my life I have always really had two or three moms at any given moment. I have been lucky in that way. They could not get to my side fast enough. It was an all night affair. After about an hour or so...I eventually calmed down enough to be tucked into bed. I could hear them in my living room talking about what had just happened. I felt like a little girl once again. I had the world at my feet just days before and here I was on my knees feeling like the foundation upon which I stood was completely ripped out from under me for what felt like no reason at all.

I sunk into a deeper and deeper hole as the days went on. My mother eventually took me to see the psychiatrist I had once before seen when I was just 12 years old. I was once again not able to eat. I had no energy and fear was a constant companion. I walked right through the emergency room and straight to see the doctor who knew me and my mother very well. My mom was a top executive at this hospital and had gained much respect. Needless to say I was always treated with the best care. I met the doctor in a room and as he sat across from me I could not stop shacking from the panic. When they took my blood pressure it was through the roof. I could tell from the look on there faces (doctor and nurse) that they were not happy with my stats,. I was eventually shot up with a mix of Valium and not sure what else. The last thing I remember is him telling me that he has patients who beg for this cocktail of meds that he shot up into me. I trusted him and so it was. As the medicine was shot into me I immediately heard the sound of a train in my ears. It was a scary feeling whatever it was was VERY strong. Eventually it subsided and my mom took me home. Once there I needed to throw up and then as if nothing had happened I fell into a deep night sleep. I wished that had been it. That everything had resumed back to normal. However it was not to be. I went several months and I was just not able to shake it.

Eventually my mother insisted that we rent my condo and I move back in with her. I will never forget the day when I went to go alone to my condo to start packing my things up. I remember listening to my messages and hearing all the friends whom were wondering what had happened? Had I fallen off the face of the earth or what... That night I cried and I remember asking God above why? Why did I have to lose everything I had worked so hard to gain? It was one of the most spiritual moments. Now I dont hear voices on a regular basis and well I am a normal girl. Thing is as I was deep in my pain asking these questions and praying. I heard a voice...call it what you will God, the inner conscience but it said "you can let go its OK you will gain much more in your life than you ever imagined." That was it and I stopped crying and felt a since of peace wash over me. Was it really OK to let go. The peace I felt told me it was so.

As I look back at age 33 now. I see that voice MUST have known what it was talking about. So reading that quote on facebook just kinda reminded me how life is sometimes. Trusting that there is a real reason that sometimes you must just keep on walking. You may not always understand it but at some point in your life you will look back and the reason will be clear.