Lumps and bumps

Why is it when you think you have gotten over one hump another one seems to appear. I have tried to accept that is the way life is and will always be. I just must change my perspective right... However you can do all the right things and still come up short. This life, how foreign it all seems sometimes. How many times do you feel like you are a stranger in your own body?! I say I am just along for the ride...
I find the ride to be very lonely at times. I have all this exterior distraction and noise yet inside it is unsettling at times. I focus on the lesson...there is always one. Other people can't do things for me...as unsettling as that is and as angry as it makes me at times. I alone can change the outcome of my life. It can be a very powerful point of reference in your life to know that. However, when you fall on shaky moments it can be very scary to know you have that power. I mean its easier to blame things on other people. We all like that luxury. If only we could keep saying all our lives. I did that because of my bad childhood or because my mother or father weren't there for me. It is so much easier.
The thing I come to over and over again is it all falls on you. Even if you have lots of love and support you will still find yourself lonely and empty at times. For me fear turns into anger and frustration into vulnerability and fear. Its a cycle; one can not live without the other.
Tonight I feel somewhat defeated. It has been a rough weekend. My husband has been on vacation in Georgia. To visit his parents. He left on Friday morning. I had to work this weekend. Now usually I will get my mom to come and spend the night. This time was different. I felt a renewed since of strength and thought I will be a big girl and be alone. I did fine Friday night and went to work the next day. However once I got off of work I went to grocery store to pick up dinner and then video store for movie. I came home ate and then laid on couch and put in a movie. I fell to sleep beautifully as I watched the movie it was a good and busy day for me. So it was natural to take a nap. However, I was woken up by my heart palpitations yet again. This time it was in the early evening and I was all alone. I stood up and it made me feel like I was going to pass out from the heart beats so hard. I immediately took xanx and it took about 30 minutes for me to calm down. I cry as I write this it was so terrifying. After taking the medicine I paced up and down my hallway and all over the house the kitchen the bedroom and the hall. There was to much adrenaline coursing through my body. Luckily my mother had texted me and it seems it was as I lay sleeping before I was woken up. She never texts me! She asked how I was doing since Ben was gone. At first I tried to hide things and I texted back I am fine. The feelings of fear became to much and I ended up calling her just after that text. She then came over to comfort me. I had a pleasant evening after she got here. Until I started to go to sleep. I eventually did get to sleep at 2am.
No one can even have a small clue as to how terrifying it is for me. I have been in therapy for almost a year and yes I am getting much better. The thing is when you feel that kind of fear you don't think reasonably at all. That is the hardest part of it all. If I had my right mind at those moments I am sure it would make it way easier. Tell me though if you were falling off of a bridge you wouldn't have your right mind either. Fear and terror would consume you. I wish this on no one ever.
I do feel lucky in so many ways with my life. I don't mean to only talk about the negative because there has been plenty of huge leaps for me. It just seems the bad always leaves a greater impression on your body and mind.
So Ben should be back tonight...it may be late like 10 or so. It just comforts me to know he will be home soon. My life will resume as normal. Maybe he will get on first class again!!??