Struggles

Its so funny the struggles life puts upon us. Some are put on us the minute we are born and others by our environment as we grow up. Some don't touch us until we get older and become adults. The truth is for most of us it is a combination of all of it. There are the lucky few and when I say few I mean few who grew up almost untouched by struggle.
I myself am no stranger to struggle and I have battled one in particular struggle for most of my life. It is an almost invisible struggle. Not really any outward signs to those just passing buy. I look pretty normal and act pretty normal most of the time. I do however have outburst of signing at work and I enjoy making people laugh. I have walked hand in hand with anxiety and sever panic attacks so debilitating; that at points in my life I have been unable to leave the comfort of my own home. I have been a prisoner of my mind. The panic I have I can only explain as paralyzing. Imagine seeing a bear coming towards you and your body reacts with adrenaline to help you get away from the danger...Well my panic button is pushed by the most mundane things. Walking the dog to far from home, grocery shopping, going to a restaurant, waiting in the car at a stop light. The fear overwhelms me! There have been times in my life I have had ample distraction and eventually the fear subsides and those things are non-issues. However as I have become an adult I realize that running from the problem with distraction is like putting a band aid over the problem and not really tending to the issue. The problem then gets bigger and you have to have bigger and bigger band aids to cover the problem.
I have recently found solice in a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders. I have also reached inward to my own strength to consistently working out by running and strength training ; to help aid my recovery and keep my spirits up. I am assigned exercises by my therapist to go to Whole Foods 5 times a week and wait in the check out and buy one item. I have had moments I walk through the front door or get up to the check out and turn right back around. It at times seems way bigger than me. The assignments aren't always the same. I know in my heart it isn't but none the less it gets me sometimes. After all there are people who are CEOs of companies,Doctors and my therapist at the moment is working with an attorney who is fearful of any public transpirtation. It hits all kinds of people.
I have resolved to walk through the fear, I don't do meds I believe the power and everything I need is already within me. I have tried to find a therapist who believes the same and continues to aid me.
Recently, I had a panic episode and I was at a stop light waiting in traffic "trapped" It was raining and it was the end of the workday 5 pm. I started feeling dizzy and couldn't focus it was hard to breath and my heart felt was beating way to fast to just be sitting waiting for a light to change. It was horrible and the panic attacks always are. I have been seeing my therapist since October of 2007. I was doing great and then this. I was so angry with myself...It was a Friday night and I was sitting on the couch crying still feeling the after effects of adrenaline which is not fun. I didn't stay in self pity for to long before I realized I had just had a little bump in the road and needed to snap out of it and enjoy he rest of my evening. I did just that! I am still having issues with stop lights and it is ok with me.
I think the most import thing I am learning is to let go. I fear the panic and therefor it controls me I am learning to just let go and let it ride through me. You and try to ride it out when your body is under the impression that a bear is going to attack and you are saying no no its ok just chill out. NOT very easy to do it goes against EVERYTHING you body thinks it should do. I am trying to grasp that concept. My main reason for this more personal blog is that we all have hard things in life to face. To each of us they are very real but the courage is already there it has always been there and it isn't found in anything outward. People can aid us through our hard times and believe me it is nice to have people but ultimately it is you alone you are left with. No distractions just you. That is where I have found strength more than I ever realized I had.