Palpitaions Anyone????

I will write today about the closest thing to me. I think it is fair to say that the closest thing to all of us is our personal memories, struggles and moments we have shared in this life. I am about to brink on 31 years on this beautiful planet soon. I have a lot of wonderful time in my life. I have structured it that way for a reason. I cherish it and its in those quite moments I learn the most.
My battle with anxiety has spanned almost my entire lifetime. When I think of me it just goes with it. I have worked very hard in recent years to understand and manage it. I find it one of the hardest things I have ever had to face in my life. I am doing so much better in my understanding and coping with it. I am finding courage and depth in myself. I find it easier to sympathize with people and connect with people on a more personal level. Yes, due to my own struggles it somehow seems to connect me more to the world around me.
A few nights ago I was awakened by my own heartbeat. They call it palpitations. I was in a deep sleep and then all of a sudden my heart beat is so strong I feel it in my arms and my head all over my body. It seems so strong and powerful. I get the feeling that I will die if I don't wake up. I am so tired but the palpitations won't let me sleep. It is almost to easy to start falling asleep again and then if I do it starts right back up. It is to say the least; very disturbing. I started having these episodes recently mostly at the start of the year. I asked my doctor and she said it was stress and since I struggle with anxiety it can just come with it from time to time. It really amazes me that me of all people have issues with stress. I have the most carefree life. I have a simple job I love. I shop every other day. I indulge in almost anything I want. My marriage is a peaceful one. I work out 4 to 5 days a week. I have lots of me time to pursue anything I want to. I eat right. I have no stress! What the ????
So I am still confused...Anyway back to my palpitations. So I have had several episodes like this in the past year. I will be woken up by palpitations. Sometimes they are so scary I awaken straight out of bed covers off and stand straight up. IT takes awhile for my heart beat to slow back down. Honestly I minus well be jumping rope.
I usually will watch tv for awhile to kinda allow my body to completely wake up and then reset itself and I try to sleep again. Usually this works. Although it may take a while. The most recent one I had about 2 nights ago now, was so hard for me. I woke up and tried all of my tools T.V. , breath meditation, audio book. Then I just sat straight up in bed and started to cry. The tears wouldn't stop. I felt helpless and alone. A failure at myself. I thought how is it possible to not be able to handle this when I have been working so hard and have been doing so much better. How is it possible to feel so out of control???? I wanted answers and I wanted to punch something and at the same time I wanted to not feel so alone with myself and my fear. I looked around and thought I have every comfort imaginable and yet nothing could comfort me. The fear started to mount and into a full blown panic episode I went adrenaline and all. I waited about 30 minutes toying with the idea of waking my husband up. After all who wants to be bothered when they are in a good deep sleep. I had to wake him I thought. I couldn't stand another minute of feeling so alone and fearful. I went into our bedroom and awoke him. Of course he was kinda irritated with me. He saw I was in distress and did the best he could to comfort me. It took about an hour and a half for me to calm down and eventually fall to sleep again.
I did however feel the need to go ahead and take a half of my xanax. I so did not want to but I also needed to calm down. The whole next day I felt spacey and I had almost no since of time. It is always funny how zoned out I feel when I pop one of those.
I am so tired of having my sleep messed with. I have never been one to have sleeping troubles. I have less stress in my life than ever and here I sit. It wears me out!
Its times like that night when I honestly crack the door to a deeper realization of life. I see how trivial everything around me is. The decorations, the house, the furniture, play money, clothes, books, t.v., ipods!!!! The countless amount of money I have spent on books and cds to relax me. The bath salts to calm me before sleep. All of it crap! I am left with me. Stripped of my worldly belongings that I hold in such high regard 99.9 percent of the time stripped of what I think I know and think I can control. I am vulnerable to the universe. I don't know why I try and fight I guess it is the human aspect in all of us to do so. In those scary moments I am faced with the realization that I still have a ways to go. I am ok with that. After all it is the journey not the destination that I should concern myself with. I will continue to be introspective and take from these experiences every morsel of truth. It is a gift in disguise...The pain always is. The truth will feed my soul and that I can take with me anywhere I go.